I'm thinking of closing this blog since I have another blog that I use much more often and I hardly ever write in here anymore...
Is there anyone who thinks I should keep it?

Do you know how it is when something happens to you and your best friend is afraid that it's gonna affect your friendship?

On Saturday night we sat at home - me, Lilach, Doron and Liran. Doron and Lilach talked about their plans for the night - going to the TLV club in Tel Aviv. Me, who clubs are totally not my thing, I just sat and ignored the conversation whilst watching TV. I wasn't offended that they didn't invite me cause it was obvious that I wouldn't wanna come anyway. But still, Lilach, who suddenly realized she'll be there alone with Doron and his friend jumped and asked me to come too. Obviously, I said no, but she wouldn't give up and kept asking for me to come and even not dance, just sit at the bar with her. Eventually I agreed. On the way there we picked up Doron's friend - Chiko.
When we got there we went to the bar. Me and Lilach took orange vodka while Doron started dancing. After the second glass I got a little looser and started dancing as well.
Don't look it at like that, I'm sure most of you dance all the time in lots of different clubs, but this was my first time in a club and first time dancing (other than the 5th garde but that doesn't really count).
Lilach and Doron, who used to be a couple and stayed in some kinda opened realtionship, started dancing together so me and Chiko who were left alone started dancing together as well.
After a few hours we moved to the black music room, even though I prefered the house room.
It was already 3am and I started getting tired (we've been there since 10:30pm), so I told Chiko that I'm gonna go rest a little.
I leant on the bar and Chiko continued dancing by himself.
I've been wanting to find another guy to dance with since we in the other room but I couldn't find anybody I liked.
While I was resting I kept looking for someone. I looked to my right, and suddenly I saw one of the most amazing guys I've ever seen.
I looked at him every now and then and thought if I'd have to guts to ask him to dance, after all I have a VERY low self confidence and never hitted on a guy in my life, it was always him who had to make the first move.
Chiko came to me and asked me if I wanna go back dancing. I said later.
I had another look at the guy standing next to me, and then I thought to myself - I'm half drunk. I'm at a club where everybody must ask everybody to dance and I'll probably never see that guy again, so why not?
Then I went closer to him and asked him if he wanna dance.
"Isn't that your boyfriend?" (pointing with his eyes on Chiko)
"No... it's a friend of my brother's, I just met him today for the first time"
"What's your name?"
"Shiri. And yours?"
"Tomer. How old are you?"
"17 and a half"
(very surprised look (the club is for 18+))
"Why, how old are you?"
"22"
(smiling) "Let's dance"
Then we started dancing and while we danced I got closer to him. A few minutes later we were already dancing really close and looking into each others' eyes.
Suddenly Chiko came, grabbed Tomer's arm and pulled him back. I looked at him surprised as Chiko told him something that made him make some kind of movement with his hands that said "sorry" as he backed away.
I looked at Chiko surprised.
"What the hell was that?"
"Forget it... you don't need him"
"What do you mean I don't need him?"
And then I walked away from him and leant on the bar again. Lưilach came to me and asked what happened. I told her. She said she'll handle it and grabbed my hand and pulled me to another direction in the room. Suddenly I saw Tomer again standing alone. Lilach talked to him while I stood next to them and looked. I don't know what she said to him, but it worked. We got back to where we were before.
"Wanna go back dancing?"
"Look... You seem really sweet and I'd love to dance with you, but I don't mess with that kinda people... I'm really sorry"
"What people? What did he tell you before?"
"He..." (stops for a second) "He said that... he's a criminal and he knows people"
(laughs) "Are you serious? Forget what he said, he's just playing cool"
And once again Chiko came and told him something that this time made him leave the room. Turns out Doron asked Chiko to look after me so I won't make any mistakes, and when I was dancing close to Tomer he thought he was trying to make a move on me and using the fact that I was a little drunk, even though I was completely aware of what was going on, so he just tried to look after me. I told him I'm not a little girl and I don't need body guards, and if he'd tried anything I wouldn't like I could just get away.
He said I'm right and next time he'll trust me more.
So I wasn't mad at him, but it still upset me that I missed my chance with Tomer.
Anyway it's good to know someone looks after me :)

I feel bad for you... so much that I feel like crying.
It's kinda ridiculous and even a little pathetic that I care so much about it after everything that has happened.
After all the feelings,
After all the fights,
After all the pain,
After the separation.

It took me a long time, longer than I expected, but I managed to get over it eventually.
I managed to forgive and move on.

But now, when I see you like that... so fragile, so hurt... it's killing me.
I'm almost sorry we didn't stay in touch, even as friends.
I wanna hold you and tell you that everything's gonna be okay. To sit down and talk to you for 8 hours nonstop until he morning like we used to...

You're an amazing person, so special and sensitive. You don't deserve to get hurt.
What makes you even more than you are is that you're not even aware of it.
And no matter how many times I told you, you refused to believe.

I feel bad for you...
And as ridiculous as it is,
And as pathetic as it is,
It just doesn't matter to me.
I wanna be there for you, to be with you and support you.
But it's impossible.

I love you

It's been a while since I wrote here.
It's not that I didn't have time to write, just didn't have much to tell.
I still don't actually but I thought I should try and write something anyway lol

So about Nir, after the last post I wrote nothing special happened really... His computer isn't working, so we don't even get to talk anymore. I called him last week just to see how he's doing and everything but he had to go after 5-10 minutes, saying he just got back from basketball and he wants to take a shower and go to sleep.

Koby called me again, a few times actually. He says he's in love with me. Yeah, right!
Anyway he did ask me out (again) and I said no (again). He asked why and I said I just don't want anybody right now (which was a lie cause I'm going out with someone on Sunday), so he asked if I want him to wait for me and I said no.
As much as I don't like being mean, and I still don't think I was really, it's just getting too much. I mean, this guy started calling me like over a year ago and still hasn't given up even though everytime he asked me out I said no.

Oh, I have a nephew now. He was born a few weeks ago. He's soooo cute and tiny!
I actually haven't seen him for a while now... gotta go visit them, and my niece too.

That's all for now. I can't believe I got all that out of "I don't have anything to tell" lol.

Like the first time we met, we spontaneously decided to meet again - Nir and me.
At first I wanted my dad to take me to the train station in Lod and I'll take a train from there to Kiryat Gat, but he couldn't cause he had some stuff to do at work. So I had to take a bus to the train station in Kfar Saba, then a train to Tel Aviv and another train from there to Kiryat Gat. Total time to the trip: 3 hours. Total price (one way): over $10. The time I stayed there: 2 hours, probably less.
But you know what? He's worth it.

So what happened yesterday...
The purpose of the meeting, even though we already broke up, was to sit down and talk and see if there's anything we can do.
We went to his grandma's apartment which was still empty. We sat down on the same couch we were in last time, and looked at each other.
Most of the time we just sat hugged or just put our heads on each other or held hands. When we did talk, it was mainly about indirect things. He did say a lot about us, but I wasn't sure what to tell him. He asked what am I thinking about, and I told him that as a business woman I was taught to get immediate answers to every problem in meetings, and now I just don't have an answer...
Eventually we realized the only problem is his conscious. He doesn't work at the moment and can't afford going to Kfar Saba, and of course he feels bad that I'm the one who always comes to him. If it was just for a little while I wouldn't have a problem with it, but he said it could take till he graduates, and then he joins the army.
I wanted to kiss him, to feel him again... but he said we shouldn't, that it'll only take this relationship to a whole different direction and that's not what we want.
He asked me if I want a kiss goodbye, I shook my head to say no.

The two hours have passed so quickly and it was already time to go back.
He walked me back to the train station and got in the dock with me after I asked him to.
Once again we sat hugged for a few minutes without saying a word. I lifted my head and looked at him and knew this was it. I was to kiss him again, and again he said we shouldn't.

"Not even for goodbye?"
"You didn't want to before..."
"I didn't want it to be a goodbye before"
"And now?"
"Now there's no choice..."

Then we kissed one last time... and the train got there.
And that was the end of it.

Wow, I think I had too much to drink last night. Have to admit it was fun though lol :P

Mood: Tired
Music: Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up

Been a while since I wrote here... didn't have much time lately or a lot to tell.
Well, at the moment everything's crazy in my life. Let's just talk about the men subject, shall we?

Mood: Sleepy
Music: Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby

Mood: Not sure...
Music: Gareth Gates - Tell Me One More Time